I didn’t expect those words to hit me so hard. It’s something I guess we all go through, but I wasn’t really ready for this. We had just arrived at one of those big lunch buffets at a restaurant chain. I was treating my friend Bill to a meal and it was a good choice because Bill is a red meat eater and I like chicken and fish. I told him the place was decent and reasonable, (meaning cheap but filling). I opened the door and we both walked in, laughing and talking about a pretty young lady we had just flirted with in the parking lot. Yeah we still had "IT"!
“Good afternoon,” said Trish the lady at the cash register, “Will that be two for lunch?”
“Yes”, I said with a hungry smile as I surveyed the room looking for a booth,“Two for lunch.”
“Very good sir”, said Trish and that’s when she laid them on me, those four little words that make you realize that some people see you differently then you see yourself,
“WILL THAT BE SENIORS?” she said, with an innocent smile on her face.
Suddenly everything slowed down to a Matrix crawl, like time was standing still as my mind raced back and forth. I could feel myself blink while I was shouting inside my head,
“Did this little Heffa just ask ME if I’m a SENIOR?
“Me, a S-E-N-I-O-R? HAH!”
I wanted to tell her, “Look here Trish, I’m 6’5” and in pretty good shape at 225 pounds. I don’t have a big belly hanging over my belt and I didn’t come limping in the door on a cane and or a walking stick. I walk at least 4 miles 3-4 times a week and I ride a mountain bike. No I can’t dunk a basketball anymore, but I still have a mean 3-pointer from the top of the key. I can cut my grass in 45 minutes with a walking mower and that includes edging the front and back and cleaning up the clippings from the street with my gas blower". What’s even funnier is that Bill is better shape then me.
I was ready to pull out my ID and show Trish that I’m too young for senior status. But suddenly the irony hit me, reminding me of the days back in college, when we were too young to buy beer. My white roommates and I would ride to the liquor store and try to look older. We were too cheap to invest in false ID's so we had to fake it and I always got the job, because I had a BIG Afro and a goatee. I was scurred as hell the first time, when the dude at the register looked at me slowly and said,
“Two six packs of Schlitz Malt liquor, anything else fella?”
“Uh No,” I mumbled in my deepest voice, “That’s all, just the beer, RIGHT ON!”
I couldn’t believe it; I had actually looked old enough to buy the beer and I was so happy that I didn’t have to pretend I'd lost my ID, or run out the door in a COLD SWEAT. I could buy the beer by just looking the part! Yeah baby I looked grown!
I also had fond memories of being a SENIOR in high school, when we were the bad asses that the freshmen were scared of. I’d walk down the hall, wearing my letter sweater with that menacing “Senior Swagger”, sometimes snarling at the freshmen just to make them jump in fear. Those were the days when Seniors ruled!
All of these memories flooded my mind as poor innocent Trish remained frozen in time, smiling at me and waiting for my answer. Then I flashed back again, to the other weekend when I stopped at a liquor store to pick up a bottle of wine. A young brother was in line in front of me, paying for a bottle of vodka. But the sister at the register told him he needed to show some id because NOW, it’s the LAW.
He groaned for a minute and then reached in his pocket for his wallet. That’s when I threw in my two cents,
“Cheer up brother," I said with a grin, "Be glad she asked you for ID, It means you still look young”!
He smiled and looked over at me and started laughing, and then I added,
“And just so you know, they don’t ever ask me for ID anymore”!
Now he was almost on the floor rolling, after he looked over at my gray hair.
“Hold on now”, I said, “It wasn’t that damn funny!” We all fell out laughing again.
Yeah it was funny, but that’s only because I was making the jokes.
In that instant I blinked again, and previous the question was still hanging in the air,
“Will that be Seniors?”, said Trish as she waited to ring up my order. So I set aside my indignation to ask this important follow-up question,
“Is there a Senior Discount?”
“Why yes sir,” said Trish, “For the two of you it will be twelve dollars for the buffet and that includes your drink!”
“Yes Trish, We’re both Seniors”, I said with a sneaky grin.
“Do you have a Seniors card? No? Well you’ll both have to fill one out.”
“No problem Trish”, I said as I started writing down my name, trying not to fake a quivering hand. OK my hand was shaking, but it was from the laughter as I said to myself,
“I been looking older all my life! Finally it’s gonna pay off. Pass the peas!”
So I’m trusting all you “Whippersnappers” not to turn me in and call the “Senior police”. Hell, nobody would believe you anyway!!!
4 comments:
HAHAHAAAAA! LOVES IT!
So funny. You see what had happened was that the little 'ole waitress was really shy and mesmerized by the beautiful gray of your eyes and that 6'5 swagger. Being insecure as she was and not wanting to be caught staring and such, so she reacted to the beautiful gray of your hair instead.
Now with regard to the 45 minutes on the lawn thing. Do you give classes because my husband takes all day ...really!Keep them coming "Sir"! I mean Ray. lol.
That story resonates with me,it is so funny. I try to see myself as no different because I can run 3 miles a day and go up and down stairs with no hitch in my getalong. It's all in how we see ourselves. You are still my brother that walked along beside me coming home from Sacred Heart school, my big brother that played basketball at Creighton Prep, my big brother that taught me how to handle my smoke in the 70's. I'm still your little sister that climbed trees and played rough and had two fingers to symbolize "little sister." We are travelling through life, living longer than our parents, cherishing each other and thanking God for every day He give us. I love you.
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